by Connie Tabbert
Editor
COBDEN — What was your first experience with death?
It may seem a strange question at the start of a meeting, but this was a Death Café – a place where people can talk about death, how they feel about it, what it means to them, how they deal with it.
Following that question, there was never a moment of stilted silence, even though there was eight people in a room lit only by three small tea-lights and a window … some not knowing who the others were.
Prior to the meeting getting underway, everyone had opportunity to get coffee or tea and cake and muffins made by hostess Julie Keon. Once settled in their chairs and introductions complete, Ms. Keon then asked that question.
While I was one of the participants, I was also there to write a story. Those attending gave me permission to use their stories/statements, but not their names as per Death Cafe etiquette – What happens at the Death Café, stays at the Death Café. For the article, I will use the names George, Thomas, Kim, Margery, Stephanie and Viola.
Ms. Keon said, “This cafe is created to talk about your worries, or what you think happens when you die.
“It’s a conversation that just carries on for two hours.
“There are no speakers, there are no topics,” she said. “If there’s a lull, I’ll ask a question to get the conversation rolling again.”
Ms. Keon said if a participant gets emotional, let it out.
“It’s kind of weird to think that death is social,” said Thomas.
Margery said, “I’m fascinated with reading about people’s experiences.”
She noted she is getting to the age where she is now losing friends.
“I want to be more comfortable with the experience, or help others to be more comfortable,” Margery added.
Stephanie works with children and knows how integral the concept of death can be.
Viola is a life coach and talks to her clients about how they want to live.
“I ask the question, what do you want to leave behind,” she said.
As for herself, Viola said, “I always try to be the best I can be. I want to live a fulfilling life and I want to die after living a fulfilling life.”
Ms. Keon noted she has always been exposed to death, not only because her mother was a nurse, but because her mother made them deliver food to those who were suffering.
“I grew up feeling comfortable around death,” she said.
Ms. Keon said currently, society lives in a culture that is uptight about death.
“We’ll happily talk about sex, but death is taboo, it’s too morbid,” she said.
Death starts long before you die, Ms. Keon said. It’s important people acknowledge what they are going through while dying, or while others they know are dying, such as anger.
“People try to remedy tragic moments but they’re afraid they’ll say the wrong thing,” Ms. Keon said.
It’s important to remember people deal with death differently and have a different degree of sensitivity to death, she said. It’s like eating spicy food, some people can eat a little, some can eat a lot.
Viola remembers being “pissed off” when her grandfather died and her father wouldn’t let her go to the funeral.
“I felt excluded to a process that I felt entitled to,” she said.
She believes it’s important children are exposed to death.
There was also talk about taking pictures of dead people.
“I’ve never seen a coffee table book of death photos,” said George.
Kim noted children on farm experience death so much more than those who live off a farm.
George said he is creating a playlist of the songs he likes, whether they be played while he is in hospital, rattling around in an old-age home or as he’s dying.
Viola is a goal-oriented person and has a plan for when she dies. She wants the family to have time to grieve, not worry about making funeral arrangements.
However, Stephanie noted it really doesn’t matter what plans are made.
“It’s the living person who makes the final decisions, regardless of their wishes,” she said.
Many people aren’t aware of the options following death, Ms. Keon said.
There are many different things they can do.
She recalled when her grandmother was dying. They brought her to her parent’s home and until she died, she was never left alone.
“It was an amazing experience,” she recalled.
There was also discussion as to what happens with a person’s body once deceased.
“I want my body wrapped up and put in a mausoleum above ground,” George said. “I might need the body later.”
Thomas wants to be cremated so he doesn’t come back as a zombie.
Kim thought she wanted to have the traditional funeral and be buried, however, the thought of being cremated is being discussed more.
Margery wants “simple and cheap.”
She said she’s not prepared yet to die because she’s having trouble feeling worthy.
Stephanie does not want to be in a church or blesssed. She wants her death to be a celebration of her life.
“I want you to gather and celebrate with drums,” she said. “I want to be surrounded by wonderful people.”
Viola believes we all come back to a different life.
She said, “Death doesn’t scare me, it’s the suffering before.”
George said it’s difficult to know what dying is like, or even those who come back from the dead, because they were drugged, their experience is masked by the pills.
“If you are all drugged up, you miss out on death,” he said.
Ms. Keon said when death and birth moved out of the home, people stopped being involved in both.
“Death is like a birth — both can be hard work,” she said. “When they were removed from the home, people began missing out on an important aspect of life.”
George agreed, saying, “The human experience was removed from the family.”
Stephanie said, “The greatest growth period is when you go through gut-wrenching challenges. When you go through the pain, you learn from that.”
When you think about it, the first thing a baby sees when it’s being born is light, Ms. Keon said. When a person is dying, many say they see a light.
Perhaps, when a baby is being born, it’s actually a person who is dying coming back.
Once the cafe ended, the participants were asked to fill out an evaluation form.
A few days later, I went to Death Cafe Renfrew County on facebook and read this:
Death Cafe Renfrew County hosted another successful cafe on Saturday, January 24th. There were 8 attendees in total with 5 new faces. Most enjoyable aspects of the cafe as shared by the attendees were as follows:
~ the sharing of views & beliefs
~ the laughter at times
~ how respectable and open it was
~everyone’s perceptions of what happens after death
~meeting new people
And the words attendees used to describe our Death Cafe:
**enjoyable, enlightening, thought-provoking, open, connections, empowering, humourous (at times), educational, inclusive, insightful, thoughtful, informative, respectful & pleasurable**
Seven out of eight plan to attend again and one will possibly attend again.
I was told that the cake served was to die for (I concur). The next Death Cafe will happen on an evening in April. Date to be determined. Stay tuned.
