My internet provider says it is my email computer program that I use is at fault and the program’s helpdesk says it’s my provider’s problem. Throwing a coin to put pressure on one them is futile so I decided to buy new Microsoft Office software. But discussing this idea with a friend, he said, “Why put lipstick on a pig”? I thought he was off his rocker until he clarified that it meant installing new software on an old desktop clunker. It didn’t make sense to him. Why not get a new laptop? I got the hint.
I telephoned a preferred computer dealer and inquired about a new laptop.
DEALER: Mac?
ME: No, the name’s Bob.
DEALER: Your computer?
ME: I want to buy a new laptop.
DEALER: Do you want a computer with Windows?
ME: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
DEALER: Wallpaper.
ME: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
DEALER: Software for Windows?
ME: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write stories. What do you have?
DEALER: Office.
ME: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
DEALER: Office.
ME: Yes, for my office!
DEALER: I recommend Office with Windows.
ME: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a document. What do I need?
DEALER: Word.
ME: What word?
DEALER: Word in Office.
ME: The only word in office is office.
DEALER: The Word in Office for Windows.
ME: Which word in office for windows?
DEALER: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
ME: What word?
DEALER: The Word in Office for Windows.
ME: But there are three words in “office for windows”!
DEALER: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
ME: It is?
DEALER: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
ME: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? Have you anything I can track my money with?
DEALER: Money.
ME: That’s right. What do you have?
DEALER: Money.
ME: I need money to track my money?
DEALER: It comes bundled with your computer.
ME: What’s bundled with my computer?
DEALER: Money.
ME: Money comes with my computer?
DEALER: Yes. No extra charge.
ME: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
DEALER: One copy.
ME: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
DEALER: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
ME: They can give you a license to copy money?
DEALER: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
I did buy a laptop but not before more consultations with friends. It didn’t help that much anyway. However, upon picking up the new laptop and instead of getting it prepped and ready to go, I smartly said, “I know how to set it up by myself”.
I brought it home, taking hours to understand all the jargon related to the laptop’s features. Then I attempted to install Office 365, spending a few more hours plugging in the UPC code – to no avail. Finally reaching a Microsoft service rep for help, who listened and then, with tongue in cheek, answered, “Did you peel off the sticky that covers up the ‘activation product key’? I felt like a dummy because I hadn’t read the instructions!
Dealer: Computer store. Can I help you?
Me: How do I turn my computer off?
Dealer: Check the manual.
Recent computer technical upgrades are so monumental, it will be weeks before I master this beast. One lesson: I should have paid a few extra few bucks to have the laptop setup and installed with software, all ready to use. Live and learn!
