When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Great advice but often, not so easy!
But, if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness and letting go of bitterness, it leads to healthier relationships, less stress and higher self-esteem.
Since a young age, I had a penchant of wanting to be in movies. Later on, I learned that a brother-in-law was regularly called upon to be a movie extra. I tried to get in on the action but got nowhere. I didn’t look unusual enough I was told, whatever that meant.
Living in Westmeath, I caught wind of a comedy show being planned and it needed actors. I hung around the auditions expressing my interest so often I was becoming a nuisance. Finally, one of the co-producers who was bossing the show said, “Maybe we can dress you up to look acceptable enough to consider you for a role.”
The co-producers were relentless in their demands of the cast during rehearsals. Both were frequently called “Sons of beaches” behind their backs. They expected timing to be spot on to the second, stage dress worn without a wrinkle or a coffee stain, and even name-brand deodorant used beforehand. One handed me some typed pages and said learn this. It was for a solo effort relating to, “Advice from a retired husband.” By the time I read them, I was too mortified to admit that I had a poor memory since the age of puberty and it was much worse since I retired.
Opening night and there I was on stage. For a second I felt like a cool dude, like Marlon Brando might have, then bona fide stage fright set in. The lighting was too dim to even recognize a friend for support. Some nervous speakers vow that pretending the audience was naked helped but I figured all that exposure would totally distract me. So, I pretended that no one was out there. Still, anxiety caused my heart to race, dried up my mouth, made my voice sound unnatural. This was not at all what I expected!
I recouped my composure, got started, but mumbled over the beginning of the speech. Later, I lost my place on the cheat sheets and skipped right over a key section that was considered the best one. At last, the embarrassing ordeal was over. I sat, oblivious to the rest of the performance, hoping the audience would unsee what they had just seen. When the whole cast was singing the finale ‘Forever Young’, I overheard the big boss mutter, “You just can’t teach that Bobby Grylls anything.” The curtain on my acting profession literally was closing before my eyes.
It was on the stage that I looked forlorn
Before the others that were so shocked
To see me go pale and seem to mourn
On my first calling that came unfrocked
It’s been two years since the Big Show and I’m still apprehensive of speaking about my washout. I agree wholeheartedly with a Joan Baez quote, “Forgiveness of oneself is the hardest of all the forgiveness’s.” It seems ironical!
There was one experience that I knew I would feel guilty about unless I took precaution. It was my first and only visit (of course) to a striptease show. To keep myself grounded and pure, I kept one eye closed during the entire goings on. And I did manage to forgive myself without too much difficulty.
One day someone made a careless remark about me, something private and personal that also involved someone else, in front of others, no less. If he had only known that, “Keeping a secret is only telling one person at a time,” it wouldn’t have been so hurtful. I was so angry that I couldn’t think of what action to take or what words to say. Forgiveness was not even a whisper in my mind for many months. I relived that awkward moment more times than I could count.
I didn’t want this negative feeling to hang around, so I started reading. One line went like this, “Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change.” I guess that made sense. Then the part that said, “Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person has in your life,” was what allowed me to finally let go. I guess we all cling to bad memories too long.
There was one situation that I was never brave enough to confess to. A fierce winter storm blew unexpectedly into Toronto one afternoon, paralyzing all modes of transportation. Like many employees, I saw no sense in trying to drive home in rush-hour. We instead went across the street to a restaurant, eating and drinking ourselves silly until 10 p.m. Even then it was a slow and treacherous trip. I was nearing home, about 11:30 when I noticed a woman struggling through the snowbanks. I should have stopped to help but was too eager to get to a warm house. My Ex still hadn’t arrived home from workplace. About 1:00 am she crawled through the door, too exhausted to speak. After a hot cup of tea, she managed to say that only one car had passed her from where the bus had dropped her off. I shut my mouth and it stayed shut to this very day.
My partner can hold a grudge too. Not that long ago, we were invited to a friend’s home for an afternoon visit. Forgetting to mention it to her, I went by myself. Naturally, I was asked where she was but couldn’t come up with a good fib so brushed off the question. When my partner found out she was to be included, she held it against me as if I’d set on fire one of her cats on the main street. I mentioned what Bruce Lee claimed, “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” I admitted mine more than once but it seems her forgiveness of me will last a little longer.
It is paradoxical to me when it is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend. Maybe if I could make more enemies than friends, I would need less forgiveness to dole out.
